Tag Archives: weight loss

Oct10

Mile 630: How Not to Be the Runner Everyone Hates

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Miles since last time: 320.9
Total miles: 630

Being a runner is a lot like being a woman. It’s fine to be one, but the second you say something about it out loud, most people shout, “JEEZ WE GET IT WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BRING IT UP EVERY FIVE SECONDS GAH.”

And then they hate you.

Since I dislike being hated, I’ve come up with some hip and cool tips to help you not be *that runner* that gets the side-eye and such.

Fall down. Publicly.
Do you run near a busy intersection? Pick a curb and trip over it. At a crowded gym? Fall for no reason. That way, people will know that, despite your unashamed public display of vigorous physical activity, you are so terrible at it that you can’t be trusted to remain upright for an extended period of time. You become an endearing underdog, rather than a brazenly capable individual. Bonus points if someone stops to help you. You may even make a new friend–I hope they don’t murder you for your sweet kicks!

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Do NOT go to a natural form running clinic and then later start a sentence with, “Well, at the running clinic I went to, the guy said…”
Jeez. Do you hear yourself? You may as well be from Portseattaustin, slamming poetry all around (that’s how it works, right?). If you do extra credit running, shut your pie hole about it. Oh, wait–you probably aren’t eating a lot of pie. Shut your balanced-mixed-of-carbs-and-protein hole about it.

Don’t sign up for additional races.
Look, doing one is acceptable, but if you’re going to sign up for a second half-marathon–with the goal of determining whether you can do a full marathon–you may be beyond help. And multiple 5Ks? What even. How dare you, you pretentious, masochistic bastard.

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Don’t buy a special running iPod.
I know you hate running with your phone. It’s giant and annoying. People probably already hate you for having an iPhone 6plus, anyway. This does not give you license to use birthday cash to buy a tiny, cheap iPod nano just for hitting the pavement. Your laptop is so old that it won’t sync properly because it’s already on the fritz, and you’ll have to start seriously considering getting a new computer to justify the purchase you already made. Think about your life choices.

Things to never talk about: injuries, training schedules, changes to your schedule, dietary plans, shoes, or anything related to physical activity.
Face it. If you’re honest, you’re kind of annoyed to have to deal with that stuff, yourself. What makes you think friends, family, and Twitter robot accounts want to hear about it? No one knows or cares what a fascia is. Let them think you’re limping around because you’ve been kicking immigrants out of the country like a goddamn American.

Don’t read books about running.
You did it, didn’t you? You ordered marathon extraordinaire Hal Higdon’s Marathon: The Ultimate Training Guide. Well, if you insist on reading it, at least have the decency to put it inside a copy of People or something, even when you’re home alone. Big Brother is always watching.

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What running books? I don’t have running books. Do you hear that, Big Brother overlords?!

Don’t write about it, either.
Oh, no. You’re doing it right now. Stop. Stop. I can see you doing–STOOOOOOOP.

Gain weight.
This one’s surprisingly simple because, yes, Virginia, despite things like logic and reason, it’s totally possible–nay, even easy–to gain a significant amount of weight while, say, training five to six days a week for your first half marathon. You may not even realize it due to your love of beautiful, stretchy leggings. Apparently, it can actually be quite difficult to lose weight on a running regimen if you don’t do it right. Because life is weird and the lizard people are conspiring against you.

So just gain some weight. Everyone knows that real runners have a body like Allyson Felix, anyway.

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Why don’t I look like Allyson Felix? Oh, right. Allyson Felix is a goddess and a treasure. Source

Make sure there’s a Panera Bread along your route.
Little Caesar’s also works. Or McAlester’s. Really anywhere that bakes anything will do. You know, so you can huff and puff your way through the smell of freshly made bread products for extra torture. You deserve it.

If someone asks you about running, scream, “THE LIZARDS HAVE WON,” turn clockwise three times, stomp on his/her right big toe, and run away backward while doing jazz hands.
People already think you’re crazy. Might as well give them a show.

There you have it. If you don’t want to be a runner everyone hates, then just don’t ever mention it. If you do, make sure you talk about and show how bad you are at it.

You know, also like being a woman.

Feb23

Mile 129: And Now, For My Next Trick

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“Where will we go?
I’ve got no bright idea.
Where we go, I don’t know,
Til the last good time.”
–iamdynamite, “Where Will We Go?”

Total 2015 miles: 1068
Miles so far this year: 129

Yes, it’s been a long time. I know. I’m awful. Every terrible thing you’ve ever thought about me is true.

Rest assured, though–my time away from weekly Internet writing about fitness misadventures has not been mirrored in time away away from the gym. In fact, I’ve been remarkably consistent. Here are a few key developments over the last six months:

No more calorie counting apps.
After much thinking, I decided to delete MyFitnessPal from my phone. MyFitnessPal has this thing where it lowers your daily goal calorie intake as you lose weight. The last time the app offered to lower mine, it told me I should only have 1200 per day–which was also the absolute the absolute minimum. If I ever logged fewer than 1200, I would get a big warning about how I hadn’t eaten enough, which I then took as license to have a bowl of ice cream–for health!

MyFitnessPal essentially recommended that 1200 was both the minimum AND maximum amount of calories. I didn’t feel I could trust it anymore. I also didn’t really appreciate it’s little judgmental comments after I entered in some foods.

Yes, MyFitnessPal, I know mac and cheese is high in saturated fat, but I need it sometimes, okay? You’ll never understand.

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Yes, please.

Numbers schmumbers.
I haven’t been on a scale since July, which, incidentally, was just a few weeks after I purchased my own scale because my gym doesn’t have one. (Way to plan and spend wisely, Stonebarger.) This wasn’t really a conscious choice–I just got tired of seeing the yoyo-ing every week. I’m sure I’ll dig that scale out of the closet eventually, but not now. At last count, I was still at 100 pounds lost after hovering for several months, and I’m still wearing the same clothes, so that’s good, right? At the very least, I haven’t reversed the last couple of years of work. Better have some celebratory pizza!

No?

Meal planning.
Meal planning and prep make a lot of sense in theory. You work hard for one afternoon, and your food is all ready for you the rest of the week. But you have to THINK and SHOP and PLAN and COOK. I’m currently in a place where I’ll do breakfasts and lunches for the week, but prepping dinners seems like too much work. There’s a line of preparedness that I can’t cross yet. I’ve even obtained some cheap cookbooks to help in the endeavor, although I tend to thumb through them and decide that most of the recipes have too many ingredients and must therefore be extremely complicated.

Baby steps, guys.

My next trick.
Last fall, in a fit of setting goals for myself, I decided that I should do the half-marathon at the Oklahoma City Memorial Run on April 24. Yes, that’s right–despite my repeated promises (mostly out of spite) that I would not ever become a runner, I have signed up for half of a very long race. Probably because I might be a masochist.

Luckily, Jackie Lease of Jackie Lease Fitness has helped me adapt and expand a Hal Higdon 12-week program into one that should ensure I won’t bite the dust before my next birthday (which is in May, if you want to get me anything).

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Don’t get too impressed by that half-marathon day that’s marked off. I did those 13.1 miles on the elliptical.

 

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In case you’re wondering why “rest” is already marked off for this week, I completely overslept on Monday and had to take it early. I already feel guilty. I don’t need you adding to it.

 

I’m back.
It feels good to be back on the blog again. Plus, when I inevitably die of plantar fasciitis or toe cramps, I’m sure you will all cherish these mile logs with something like indifferent resignation.

You’re welcome.

Aug23

Mile 838.5: Five Reasons You Should Be Wearing Leggings Right Now

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“And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If anything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this real again.”
–Foo Fighters, “Everlong” 

Miles since last time: 61.5
Total miles: 838.5

For a long time, I told myself that I would never wear skinny pants, no matter what size I was. They seemed specifically designed to make my legs look like sausages, and who feels good about themselves when their pants make them feel like spicy ground meat that is usually stuffed into a tube of skin? (Thanks for that G-rated definition, Merriam-Webster!)

When replenishing my wardrobe a while back, I decided to bite the bullet and try skinny pants out so that I could also invest in tall boots. That’s really all I wanted–to be able to wear my new tall boots during the winter. Much to my surprise, I discovered that skinny pants are not fabric sausage factories or the Devil’s garment. They didn’t even look that terrible. In fact, they were even quite comfortable.

It was this revelation that lead me to also reconsider similar feelings about leggings. (Well, that and my desire to never subject the public at large to the sight of my bare legs. You’re welcome, public at large–now I wear leggings with dresses.)

I began with running leggings. When these proved to be a pleasure to work out in, I moved on to tights to wear with dresses. Then cotton leggings. Then jeggings–don’t judge. Now, I basically want to be wearing leggings all day, every day, which means I really need to invest in more tunics and long shirts. (I mean, I love leggings and all, but not enough to walk around like, “HERE’S THE EXACT SHAPE OF MY BODY WITH NO FLATTERING WAY OF HIDING PROBLEM AREAS, EVERYONE.”)

Here are five reasons I’m wearing leggings right now and why you should be, too.

1) They are ridiculously comfortable.
OHMYGOSH THE COMFORT. Wearing leggings is like wearing no pants, but without that weird leg sweat that results from sitting with two different areas of skin touching each other for too long. Wearing leggings is basically like having a second, cotton skin that protects you from back-of-the-knee perspiration.

2-5) See reason number one.
You need no other reason.

Jul13

Mile 777: Seven Accomplishments Since Last I Blogged Regularly

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“You can make this world what you want.”
–Muse, “Revolt”

Miles since last time: 127
Total miles: 777

It’s been a while since last I wrote and you politely skimmed because you are related to me. So, in honor of my 777th mile this year, here are seven things I’ve accomplished in the last two months.

1.) I’ve started doing stand-up.
While taking Level 2 classes with the OKC Improv, I also decided to take the beginning stand-up elective because I’m a comedy masochist. Since making my stand-up debut during our student show the day after my birthday, I’ve continued to do some open mics and shows. I even competed in the Funniest Person in OKC competition. During each the six preliminary rounds, two comedians were chosen to move to the finals and one alternate was named. Not to brag or anything, but I was the alternate on the night I competed. The two finalists during my round were the stand-up class teacher, Josh Lathe, and the guy who wound up winning the whole thing, C.J. Lance. NBD.

I’m going to keep doing it, and I’m even going to be in a showcase next week–which you should totally check out if you’re in the OKC area.

And lest you worry yourself about the state of my improv career, rest assured that I am still saying awkward things, laughing inappropriately, and generally being clueless during my Level 3 classes. I’m living the dream.

2.) I enrolled in an online fit camp.
A friend referred me to an online fit camp run by Jackie Lease (she’s a friend of a friend of a friend). It’s run completely online, via Facebook group. At the beginning of the month, she sends out a calendar and assessment sheets, and she posts videos of the workouts every day. You do them in the privacy of your own home, or if you’re like me, you do them at the gym. I’m in my second month, and it seems to be a good system so far. I would definitely recommend it if you need a bit of guidance on workouts, don’t want to pay crazy fees for a personal trainer, and enjoy sweating profusely in your living room-‑or in the little corner of the gym you found for yourself while avoiding eye contact with all the people stretching out or using the hip adduction machine nearby. I mean, if you’re like me.

3.) I started running again.
Earlier this year, I took a break from running due to self-diagnosed Weird Hip Pain. I’m back on the treadmill now, puffing my way along, trying to be more careful about it, and supplementing the running with fit camp workouts‑-which means fewer miles per day but shooting for longer intervals. It’s still hard and I sweat like a fat kid on a treadmill (hey, wait‑-is a simile still a simile if it’s true?), but I should be okay as long as my Weird Hip Pain doesn’t flare up.

My most immediate running goal is to be able to run around a 1.5-mile track near my home without stopping. I’m currently walking for two minutes and running for three, but  I hope to be at four by the end of the week. There’s still a long way to go.

4.) I got in a hit-and-run.
I realize this isn’t an accomplishment, and I’m totally fine‑-not injured at all. But my car currently doesn’t have a front bumper. Don’t you feel sorry for me?

5.) I’m a fish mom!
After a seriously bad day that involved the aforementioned hit-and-run and finding out that my cat (who had been living with my parents) had died, I decided I needed a new pet. People living alone should have a pet, right? We have that in common with Hogwarts students.

I went for a low maintenance pet due to my jet-setting lifestyle. Meet Alphie, the Betta Attack Monster Fish. You may also call him Alphie the BAMF. I do. I also sing “Alfie” to him sometimes. He loves it, even though his name is spelled differently.

Alphie, the Betta Attack Monster Fish

What’s it all about, Alphie, the Betta Attack Monster Fish?

*Side note: Having a fish does not quell the desire to adopt all the puppies and kittens.

6.) My fish baby is still alive!
Before I leave my house every day, I point at Alphie’s tank and say, “Don’t die, Alphie.” And he doesn’t because Petsmart trains their animals really well. This doesn’t necessarily stop me from constantly worrying that I’m going to take my eyes off him for five minutes and look back to see him floating at the top of his tank. It’s just like having kids, guys.

7.) I haven’t murdered anyone.
Sometimes this feels like an accomplishment, okay? Also, I ran out of things to say.

It’s been a less eventful couple of months than I thought.

May10

Mile 650: The Goal Jeans, Part 2

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“To all the cool kids on my block,
Where’s the original thought?”
–Neon Trees, “Teenage Sounds”

Miles since last time: 63*
Total miles: 650

*Yes, I’ve only gone 63 miles in the last five or six weeks. I’VE BEEN BUSY, OKAY.

Depending on how long you’ve followed this thing, you may or may not recall that I started the Mile Project with pair of goal jeans. I bought them on clearance with the idea that I would someday be able to wear them. They look something like this:

Well, actually, they look EXACTLY like this.

Well, actually, they look EXACTLY like this.

Periodically over the last however many miles I’ve gone in the last two years, I have taken them out and tried them on to see how close I was to being able to wear them.

I quickly discovered that I had somehow managed to find the ONE pair of women’s jeans that had ABSOLUTELY NO stretch.

Eventually, though, I could work them up over my exceptionally meaty calves (thanks, genetics), but not over my thighs (thanks again). Then I could pull them almost up to my waist if I lay down and did a jig. Then I could get them on but couldn’t button them. Then I could button them but couldn’t sit down. Then I could sit down but had to keep my legs straight.

Around that time, I put the goal jeans back in a drawer, thought, I’ll give it another month, and promptly put them at the back of my mind for much longer than a month.

You may also recall that, back in November, I set a 30-day challenge for myself to clean out my closet. If you are at all remotely familiar with my track record for completing 30-day challenges, it should come as no surprise to you that I only successfully finished the closet purge a few weeks ago right before I moved to a new apartment.

As I was going through my clothes, I had one rule: if it doesn’t fit, it gets donated. This eliminated approximately 80% of my wardrobe, but it made the whole process pretty simple.

And then I came across the goal jeans. I pulled them out of the drawer and easily on over my still meaty calves, and was quite surprised to find that I could fit several fingers into the buttoned waistband.

I was also surprised that I still couldn’t sit in them without feeling like I might pop a seam at the knee. Like I said, they are the ONE pair of jeans with ABSOLUTELY NO stretch, and I guess girls aren’t supposed to have meaty calves. I’m making peace with them, though.

I had no choice but to take off that that pair of clearance jeans I bought so long ago and put them into the donate pile.

As it turns out, weirdly enough, my current jeans are two sizes smaller than that goal pair. And I can actually wear them because they have stretch.

So, goodbye, goal jeans. I never got to wear you in public, but we still had some good times. Like that time you helped inspire this blog. Or that other time I tried to squat down in you and you cut off circulation to my lower legs. Sigh…

You may not be my goal anymore, but I’m sure you’ll make someone else very happy. If they don’t mind no-stretch denim.