Aug23

Mile 838.5: Five Reasons You Should Be Wearing Leggings Right Now

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“And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If anything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this real again.”
–Foo Fighters, “Everlong” 

Miles since last time: 61.5
Total miles: 838.5

For a long time, I told myself that I would never wear skinny pants, no matter what size I was. They seemed specifically designed to make my legs look like sausages, and who feels good about themselves when their pants make them feel like spicy ground meat that is usually stuffed into a tube of skin? (Thanks for that G-rated definition, Merriam-Webster!)

When replenishing my wardrobe a while back, I decided to bite the bullet and try skinny pants out so that I could also invest in tall boots. That’s really all I wanted–to be able to wear my new tall boots during the winter. Much to my surprise, I discovered that skinny pants are not fabric sausage factories or the Devil’s garment. They didn’t even look that terrible. In fact, they were even quite comfortable.

It was this revelation that lead me to also reconsider similar feelings about leggings. (Well, that and my desire to never subject the public at large to the sight of my bare legs. You’re welcome, public at large–now I wear leggings with dresses.)

I began with running leggings. When these proved to be a pleasure to work out in, I moved on to tights to wear with dresses. Then cotton leggings. Then jeggings–don’t judge. Now, I basically want to be wearing leggings all day, every day, which means I really need to invest in more tunics and long shirts. (I mean, I love leggings and all, but not enough to walk around like, “HERE’S THE EXACT SHAPE OF MY BODY WITH NO FLATTERING WAY OF HIDING PROBLEM AREAS, EVERYONE.”)

Here are five reasons I’m wearing leggings right now and why you should be, too.

1) They are ridiculously comfortable.
OHMYGOSH THE COMFORT. Wearing leggings is like wearing no pants, but without that weird leg sweat that results from sitting with two different areas of skin touching each other for too long. Wearing leggings is basically like having a second, cotton skin that protects you from back-of-the-knee perspiration.

2-5) See reason number one.
You need no other reason.

Jul13

Mile 777: Seven Accomplishments Since Last I Blogged Regularly

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“You can make this world what you want.”
–Muse, “Revolt”

Miles since last time: 127
Total miles: 777

It’s been a while since last I wrote and you politely skimmed because you are related to me. So, in honor of my 777th mile this year, here are seven things I’ve accomplished in the last two months.

1.) I’ve started doing stand-up.
While taking Level 2 classes with the OKC Improv, I also decided to take the beginning stand-up elective because I’m a comedy masochist. Since making my stand-up debut during our student show the day after my birthday, I’ve continued to do some open mics and shows. I even competed in the Funniest Person in OKC competition. During each the six preliminary rounds, two comedians were chosen to move to the finals and one alternate was named. Not to brag or anything, but I was the alternate on the night I competed. The two finalists during my round were the stand-up class teacher, Josh Lathe, and the guy who wound up winning the whole thing, C.J. Lance. NBD.

I’m going to keep doing it, and I’m even going to be in a showcase next week–which you should totally check out if you’re in the OKC area.

And lest you worry yourself about the state of my improv career, rest assured that I am still saying awkward things, laughing inappropriately, and generally being clueless during my Level 3 classes. I’m living the dream.

2.) I enrolled in an online fit camp.
A friend referred me to an online fit camp run by Jackie Lease (she’s a friend of a friend of a friend). It’s run completely online, via Facebook group. At the beginning of the month, she sends out a calendar and assessment sheets, and she posts videos of the workouts every day. You do them in the privacy of your own home, or if you’re like me, you do them at the gym. I’m in my second month, and it seems to be a good system so far. I would definitely recommend it if you need a bit of guidance on workouts, don’t want to pay crazy fees for a personal trainer, and enjoy sweating profusely in your living room-‑or in the little corner of the gym you found for yourself while avoiding eye contact with all the people stretching out or using the hip adduction machine nearby. I mean, if you’re like me.

3.) I started running again.
Earlier this year, I took a break from running due to self-diagnosed Weird Hip Pain. I’m back on the treadmill now, puffing my way along, trying to be more careful about it, and supplementing the running with fit camp workouts‑-which means fewer miles per day but shooting for longer intervals. It’s still hard and I sweat like a fat kid on a treadmill (hey, wait‑-is a simile still a simile if it’s true?), but I should be okay as long as my Weird Hip Pain doesn’t flare up.

My most immediate running goal is to be able to run around a 1.5-mile track near my home without stopping. I’m currently walking for two minutes and running for three, but  I hope to be at four by the end of the week. There’s still a long way to go.

4.) I got in a hit-and-run.
I realize this isn’t an accomplishment, and I’m totally fine‑-not injured at all. But my car currently doesn’t have a front bumper. Don’t you feel sorry for me?

5.) I’m a fish mom!
After a seriously bad day that involved the aforementioned hit-and-run and finding out that my cat (who had been living with my parents) had died, I decided I needed a new pet. People living alone should have a pet, right? We have that in common with Hogwarts students.

I went for a low maintenance pet due to my jet-setting lifestyle. Meet Alphie, the Betta Attack Monster Fish. You may also call him Alphie the BAMF. I do. I also sing “Alfie” to him sometimes. He loves it, even though his name is spelled differently.

Alphie, the Betta Attack Monster Fish

What’s it all about, Alphie, the Betta Attack Monster Fish?

*Side note: Having a fish does not quell the desire to adopt all the puppies and kittens.

6.) My fish baby is still alive!
Before I leave my house every day, I point at Alphie’s tank and say, “Don’t die, Alphie.” And he doesn’t because Petsmart trains their animals really well. This doesn’t necessarily stop me from constantly worrying that I’m going to take my eyes off him for five minutes and look back to see him floating at the top of his tank. It’s just like having kids, guys.

7.) I haven’t murdered anyone.
Sometimes this feels like an accomplishment, okay? Also, I ran out of things to say.

It’s been a less eventful couple of months than I thought.

May10

Mile 650: The Goal Jeans, Part 2

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“To all the cool kids on my block,
Where’s the original thought?”
–Neon Trees, “Teenage Sounds”

Miles since last time: 63*
Total miles: 650

*Yes, I’ve only gone 63 miles in the last five or six weeks. I’VE BEEN BUSY, OKAY.

Depending on how long you’ve followed this thing, you may or may not recall that I started the Mile Project with pair of goal jeans. I bought them on clearance with the idea that I would someday be able to wear them. They look something like this:

Well, actually, they look EXACTLY like this.

Well, actually, they look EXACTLY like this.

Periodically over the last however many miles I’ve gone in the last two years, I have taken them out and tried them on to see how close I was to being able to wear them.

I quickly discovered that I had somehow managed to find the ONE pair of women’s jeans that had ABSOLUTELY NO stretch.

Eventually, though, I could work them up over my exceptionally meaty calves (thanks, genetics), but not over my thighs (thanks again). Then I could pull them almost up to my waist if I lay down and did a jig. Then I could get them on but couldn’t button them. Then I could button them but couldn’t sit down. Then I could sit down but had to keep my legs straight.

Around that time, I put the goal jeans back in a drawer, thought, I’ll give it another month, and promptly put them at the back of my mind for much longer than a month.

You may also recall that, back in November, I set a 30-day challenge for myself to clean out my closet. If you are at all remotely familiar with my track record for completing 30-day challenges, it should come as no surprise to you that I only successfully finished the closet purge a few weeks ago right before I moved to a new apartment.

As I was going through my clothes, I had one rule: if it doesn’t fit, it gets donated. This eliminated approximately 80% of my wardrobe, but it made the whole process pretty simple.

And then I came across the goal jeans. I pulled them out of the drawer and easily on over my still meaty calves, and was quite surprised to find that I could fit several fingers into the buttoned waistband.

I was also surprised that I still couldn’t sit in them without feeling like I might pop a seam at the knee. Like I said, they are the ONE pair of jeans with ABSOLUTELY NO stretch, and I guess girls aren’t supposed to have meaty calves. I’m making peace with them, though.

I had no choice but to take off that that pair of clearance jeans I bought so long ago and put them into the donate pile.

As it turns out, weirdly enough, my current jeans are two sizes smaller than that goal pair. And I can actually wear them because they have stretch.

So, goodbye, goal jeans. I never got to wear you in public, but we still had some good times. Like that time you helped inspire this blog. Or that other time I tried to squat down in you and you cut off circulation to my lower legs. Sigh…

You may not be my goal anymore, but I’m sure you’ll make someone else very happy. If they don’t mind no-stretch denim.

Apr6

Mile 587: An Introvert’s Guide to the Gym

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“I spent my life becoming invisible.
It’s hard to maintain, and it’s hard to get by.”
–Neko Case, “Nothing to Remember”

Miles last week: 51
Total miles: 587

One of the good things about the Internet (that seems like an oxymoron) is that I feel like people generally better understand the difference between introverts and extroverts. That, or the Internet really only exists so that you can validate yourself and I frequently peruse the geek board on Pinterest, which sometimes has pins that tell you it’s okay be an introvert–pins like this one:

Basically, introverts are introspective, watchful, quiet, and need alone time to recharge. This, of course, causes a whole host of problems and assumptions that are slightly beside the point right now. What we’re talking about today is how being an introvert can affect your gym time.

That’s right. There, unfortunately, can be a social aspect to working out. There are people there. And sometimes they try to talk to you when you’re huffing and puffing and generally being a disgusting, sweaty mess. It’s madness.

If you’re an introvert like me (I know–you’re completely shocked to discover this personal detail about myself), then social interaction takes a bit more energy than it does for extroverts, whether you realize it or not. At the gym, though, you need every bit of energy you have to concentrate on burning those calories and not dropping weights on your foot. You’re going to have to take some steps to make sure no one else there does anything annoying, like talk to you.

As an introvert who frequents the gym, I am prepared to share my wisdom with you. Just follow these tips to ensure that you have plenty of fortitude to make it through a workout without collapsing from conversation-induced exhaustion.

Buy noise-cancelling headphones.
Nothing says “unapproachable” like completely covering your ears with technology specifically designed to muffle all sound around you. The only bad thing is that they’ll make your ears sweat. It’s also not very fun when you break them and have to duct tape them back together, but your hair keeps getting stuck in the adhesive when you wear them. I heard that from a friend…who is definitely not me…

Pick one machine and stick with it.
If you’re getting up and moving around to different areas of the gym, there is a chance that you will accidentally make eye contact with someone. And we all know what eye contact leads to: acknowledgement of another person that you may have to speak to. Whether it’s a quiet hello or a mumbled apology for almost crashing into him or her, this is a needless expense of energy that you will undoubtedly need if you have any hope of being able to move after a few sets of squats. If you ever squat and fall over, just know it’s because you nodded at that person when he or she walked past you on the way to the water fountain.

If you must move around, make sure you have your phone.
Your phone is a vital tool in evading social interaction. I tend to wait until after I’m off the elliptical or treadmill and on my way to the paper towels (because I’m sanitary and clean off any machine I touch) before I tell MyFitnessPal how many calories I’ve burned so that I can avoid looking at any people–or, you know, where I’m going. I only SOMETIMES run into things, okay?

Just pretend you know what you’re doing.
Whatever you do, DON’T ASK ANYONE HOW ANYTHING WORKS. There are diagrams on the machines for a reason, y’all.

Close your eyes when using equipment.
This will make it look like you are concentrating and working hard on muscle definition when you’re really just trying to stop yourself from glancing around the room and looking like a creeper. On a side note–don’t close your eyes when using the elliptical or treadmill, as this may result in vertigo or personal injury. I also heard that from a friend…

So there you have it. The key to surviving at the gym as an introvert is essentially to avoid eye contact and act like you belong.

Good luck out there, introvs*.

…

…

*I’m so sorry. I was trying to make “introvert” cool and abbreviated. I see now that it was a bad idea and deeply regret my attempt at colloquialism.

Mar29

Mile 536: Improv Achievement Unlocked

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“[scat singing]”
–Louis Armstrong, “Heebie Jeebies”

Miles since last time: 100
Total miles: 536

On Saturday, March 21, at 7:30 p.m., at the intimate Oklahoma Shakespeare on Paseo, my Level I improv class did our first ever improv showcase as Iron Turkey.

Stolen from the OKC Improv Facebook page

Stolen from the OKC Improv Facebook page

Since I’ve never had to get myself ready for a comedy show before, I sort of IMPROVISED. (See what I did there?) During the afternoon, I listened to the Comedy Bang Bang and Improv4Humans podcasts, and I popped in The Lonely Island’s Incredibad on my drive to the venue–because why not?

I don’t know if the podcasts and music helped or not, but my thinking was that I needed to surround myself with comedy so that some of it might soak in…or something. I was pretty nervous, okay? I’m not saying my thought process is logical, but it felt right at the time.

I’d love to give you a blow-by-blow of the whole evening, but the truth is, I remember very little about anything I said or did during the twenty-five minutes of our showcase–and not just because I’m posting this a week late.

Stolen from the OKC Improv Facebook page

Stolen from the OKC Improv Facebook page

It’s kind of weird, actually. I remember awesome and funny things the rest of Iron Turkey did. There was definitely a sexually harassing gorilla in Madagascar, a unicorn war with bats, skydiving mastodon hunters, and a lot more. I know I was there–there is photographic evidence–but did I do anything? Probably?

I think this is called improv amnesia. It’s totally a thing…maybe…

I pretty much just remember the evening as a big blur of fun and some tasty pizza afterward at Sauced on Paseo with a few good friends. (Seriously–it was freaking delicious pizza. I highly recommend it.)

So, I suppose the next question is–did I accomplish what I set out to do when I decided to sign up for improv?

Stolen from the OKC Improv Facebook page

Stolen from the OKC Improv Facebook page

As for what I learned or what I got out of the last eight weeks, I think it’s hard to say in any sort of simple way. It’s kind of like weight loss that way. Most change is small and slow. You may not notice it because you don’t see yourself. You just have to do what you want, trust yourself, and keep moving forward.

I suppose I feel different. Maybe? I don’t really know. The filters are still there, but you can’t expect them to disappear in two months. As to whether it’s helped my writing or made me a more active participator, only time will tell. I do feel even more motivated to keep going.

Now that I think about it, I think that’s what I really got out of this introductory experience: motivation. Motivation to make funny things with great people. Motivation to keep trying to entertain people. Motivation to strive for more creativity. Motivation to spend more time with the people who make me laugh. Motivation to get over it and just do my thing.

Stolen from the OKC Facebook page

Stolen from the OKC Facebook page

I’m glad and grateful that I took a chance on something that I’ve been thinking about and wanting to do for a long time. I’m also grateful that no one told me I was wrong for it or looked at me like I was crazy (except for that one guy that I’m not even friends with, gah), and I’m unbelievably lucky that I got to experience it with six awesome people and a great instructor. Most of all, I’m super stoked that I get to keep doing it.

I’m leveling up. LEVEL II, BABY.

Gosh. For a blog post about a comedy thing, this got a wee bit sappy.

IRON TURKEY.

[gobble noises]