Mile 263: Five Theories for the Existence of Adult Stress


“I knew what I had to do and
I made myself this solemn vow:
I’s gonna be a lady someday,
Though I didn’t know when or how.”
–Reba McEntire, “Fancy”

Miles last week: 33
Total miles: 263

Like everyone, I went through puberty sometime in middle school, but I don’t think I really started to feel like an adult until I realized that Penny gets an abortion in Dirty Dancing and Reba McEntire’s song “Fancy” is about a mother prostituting her daughter. In my childish innocence, I legitimately thought that Penny’s doctor was mean and had dirty knives (which I imagined were caked with mud because sometimes my imagination is literal) and Fancy was going to a big party for which her mom made her a nice red dress.

Of course, upon this realization, my mother’s wary looks at my sisters and I dancing our Holiday Barbie (who had a fabulous and sparkly red dress) around to Reba McEntire started to make a lot more sense…but that’s beside the point.

Soon after these revelations, the stresses of adulthood began to set in–money, career, the limited availability of Pepperrollies, etc.–and because I’m a human and thereby seek causes for effects, I have to assume that there is a single, solitary reason for all of the stresses and bad things about being an adult.

I have some theories.

1.) The aliens are messing with us.
I think of this as the Men in Black theory. Somewhere, there are aliens shaking our galaxy marbles and rocking our world. This is obviously why there are earthquakes, car accidents, headaches, and doctors’ handwriting.

2.) Obama.
Sure, there are good things happening with the deficit, health insurance, and the economy, and he’s accomplished a lot of stuff. But I have to go back to work after a three-day weekend. THANKS OBAMA.

3.) Clear wool.
Maybe there really is wool over our eyes when we’re growing up, but it’s clear, obviously, because we need to see so we can learn to read. Then, one day, we are lured into vans, rendered unconscious, and taken to high-tech facilities where the wool is surgically removed. Our memories of the facility are erased, and we start to see things we didn’t before, like bills in the mail.

Mars Source


4.) Mars.
Once you reach a certain height, your head gets within range of Mars’s special mental gravity (you know, the one that affects your horoscope) and your childlike innocence is pulled away. Once it’s gone, you have to start worrying about car insurance and your health and such.

5.) Exhaust fumes.
This is sort of the opposite of the clear wool theory. Here, exhaust fumes actually cause you to hallucinate worries you didn’t have before. Think about it. Once you start to drive, you’re around cars a lot more throughout your adult life. Before that, you’re a kid and not stressed out about anything, and after that, you’re old and probably realizing that the things you worried about weren’t so important. IT ALL MAKES SENSE.

None of these theories are proven–yet. However, I assume it’s just a matter of time before I’m receiving a Nobel Prize for unlocking the secrets of the human race.

You’re welcome.

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