“Why am I not scared in the morning?
I don’t hear those voices calling.”
–twenty-one pilots, “Ode to Sleep”
Miles Last Week: 60
Total Miles: 1680
Several people have told me that they don’t like the treadmill or elliptical because they get bored while using them. I see their point–you’re doing a lot of moving without going anywhere–but I’ve also found that I get a lot of thinking done on the elliptical. Since you don’t have to worry about getting lost or anything, you can let your mind wander freely. Here are just a few random, sometimes slightly paranoid things I’ve found myself considering over the course of many miles.
“How to fix my novel…hmmm…”
“Aw, man. What am I going to blog about this week? Oh, look. That beetle just fell over on it’s back.”
“If I lost my balance and fell off this thing, I bet my foot would get stuck between the pedals but I would keep falling, causing my tibia to rip through my skin. And of course, it’s Sunday morning and no one else is here, so I would probably bleed to death because I would be knocked unconscious. My phone would slide across the room, anyway, so even if I did wake up, I probably wouldn’t be able to get my foot unstuck so that I could army crawl across the room to call 911–which would really just exacerbate my terrible injury. And army crawling looks hard, especially with a horribly broken tibia.”
“I’m going to die in this gym.”
“Why are sports things always on the big televisions? I really feel like we’re perpetuating a stereotype, here.”
“Maybe I should try stand-up comedy or join an improv class or something.”
(Side note–roughly eighty percent of the podcasts I listen to are hosted by or involve comedians. This may or may not be related.)
“Oh, no, I probably shouldn’t do stand-up comedy or improv. I would cry the first time I got heckled.”
“IF I DON’T FIND WHERE THIS ANNOYING, ROGUE STRAND OF HAIR STICKING TO MY FACE IS ATTACHED SOON I’M GOING TO MURDERPUCH THIS ELLIPTICAL.”
“I wonder what Benedict Cumberbatch is doing right now. Probably something charming and awesome.”
“Dang it. That person is facing this general direction. I can’t pick my wedgie right now.”
“Why does my foot keep falling asleep? I’m constantly moving. There’s probably something wrong with me.”
“I wish the monitor on this thing had access to my DVR.”
“I bet having a podcast is fun.”
“Why do the Silence on Doctor Who wear suits? That’s not very scary. They look like they’re going to a wedding. Sure, they also have bulbous heads with no mouths and can either zap you with lightning or give you suggestions that you’ll follow but not remember because you won’t ever remember seeing the Silence at all–but suits? I mean, what are they, some kind of Secret Service religious order that has the power to shape all life on Earth but that we don’t know exist because we forget about them when we aren’t looking at them? Oh, wait. That actually is kind of scary.”
I have that rogue hair thought ALL THE TIME!! My hair is so long now it could literally be coming from anywhere on my head! So annoying.
Super annoying. I sometimes just grab it and yank it out. Probably not good.