Mile 303.5: Shouldn’t I Feel Different?

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“Am I the only one I know
Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat?”
–Twenty-One Pilots, “Migraine”

Miles Last Week: 46
Total Miles: 303.5

Yesterday, I prepared to step onto the scale after my time on the elliptical, as I do every Saturday morning at the gym. I wiped every drop of sweat I could from my face–I definitely didn’t want those ounces to count against me. I took a deep breath, stepped onto the small black box, and moved the counterweights until the needle seemed balanced. Then, I looked at the number–

–and saw that I’d lost 50.5 pounds.

I’ve done a lot of thinking about what hitting the fifty-pound mark would be like. In my head, my reaction would typically fall somewhere between collapsing on the floor in a giggling, hysterical mess and announcing my milestone to everyone in the gym, who would then celebrate me with a round of slow claps and/or fist bumps. (No hugging, of course, because we would all be sweaty and kind of gross.)

In reality, I took another deep breath, grabbed my keys, and went home.

A few weeks (and about ten pounds) ago, a couple of friends asked me if I felt any different after making some progress. The simple, honest truth is that I don’t. Not even a little bit. I don’t even think I look different.

Sure, I intellectually recognize that my clothes don’t fit the same. I’m able to fit three fingers into the waistband of pants that I had no hope of wearing a year ago. (Why am I so obsessed with talking about my pants?) I can comfortably cross my arms while wearing my wool coat without worrying about going full-Hulk. I know that there is room in my wardrobe where there hasn’t been before. I even see that I’m able to last longer on the elliptical. But I can’t say that I feel different. None of it seems like it’s really happening.

And please don’t think that I’m trolling for compliments or need an ego boost. I’m just trying this thing where I’m honest about stuff, and the truth is that I thought I’d feel more accomplished or excited, at least.

I think this is what they call a “mental wall.” That’s a thing, right?

Perhaps it hasn’t sunken in yet. Maybe it’s that I still see how far there is to go. Or I could be looking into the wrong types of mirrors. I don’t know.

For now, I think I’ll treat myself to some homemade angel pie and that always-uplifting zombie drama–The Walking Dead.

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5 responses »

  1. Perhaps I can help. I’ve lost over 250 pounds over the past 2 and a half years. It took over 50 pounds for me to believe that it wasn’t just water weight and that what I was doing might finally be working. But I can tell you I didn’t feel all that different either. At first it will be little differences – I don’t know what your past is like with your weight but I can tell you that just seeing it go down, and KEEP going down was a huge difference. It was followed with pressure to lose more weight, but on it’s own it was amazing.
    I would suggest you try to be more specific. There will come a time when you feel like a completely different person – that will be when so many things in your life, specifically your body, your health, your mindset, etc… that it shocks you to take it all in.
    Until then, you want to look for the specific areas – start with some of the more important ones – if you compare a pic that you take of you today to one you took the day before you started losing weight, can you see the difference? Look at your individual body parts – any differences there? I’m amazed with how my hands look, but it was quite some time before I ever even noticed. The clothes are a pretty big deal too, especially when you start thinking about getting some new outfits. Honestly, I have to get new clothes so often, because I’m just shrinking out of clothes, that I just shop at Goodwill anymore – I can find stuff I like and not keep paying through the nose because of my ever changing body.
    There’s your health, too – very important – do you see the changes in your health yet? Maybe you’re breathing better, or your Doctor is more happy with your blood labs? Speaking of health, I imagine that if you compare what you can physically do now with what you could before you started losing weight, you’ll find there’s some great changes there! Did you get to a point where it was difficult to do things that you had when you were younger, before you put on a lot of weight? Try some of those, see how close you can come – that gives you something to look forward to as well, because it’s just going to keep getting better, as you keep losing weight and getting closer to a healthy weight.
    Best of luck to you, and I hope you find what you’re looking for, trust me, it’s there.

  2. Congratulations!! 50 lbs is a big milestone and shows how committed you’ve been and how hard you’ve worked!! I still want to see a pic, maybe in those goal jeans. 🙂 Everytime I’ve lost weight I don’t see any difference until one day I see something about myself that makes me say ‘wow’. One time I could see my muscles working through my pants, one time I noticed how my legs looked different when I was shaving, and once I was in a dressing room with those awful 3 way mirrors and I saw my reflection and thought ‘hmm. Not half bad’ You’ll have your ‘WOW’ moment and until then just enjoy all the things you can like lasting longer on the elliptical or not ‘hulking out’ in your coat… 🙂 congratulations again!!

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